I am not a farm girl, nor even a country girl--but a woods girl, with lichen for skin and leaves gracing tangled hair. I am old as the hills. The elders called me "dryad". If you blink you may miss me. But if you sit quietly under the old oak, I may one day appear for you.
I had finished the ribbons from Stones some time ago, and just kept forgetting to upload a photograph of what I had done. So here's what they look like. Not quite professional looking, but what'dya want? ;)
I've got them hanging up with the ones from last year, and perhaps will add more next year. We'll see.
Having survived Mabon, the next spoke in the wheel was Halloween. That seems to be a time for remembering times gone by, and places that are no more, and people in your life who have passed on. To that end, my altar was decorated with some of mom's things, and photographs of both parents, and another friend who has passed on. As I lay down for sleep, I thanked them for their wisdom, and asked their assistance in the upcoming year, and help in the complexities that my life that have seemed to have sprung up here lately. I requested some wisdom of my own, and guidance.
Yesterday was spent up at the local park, to get some images that will carry me through the long, dark, cold winter I see approaching me. Literally, physically, emotionally, metaphorically--and metaphysically. I can only help to weather the storm I can see approaching.
It is, if I am allowed a cliche', about to "hit the fan".
Mabon was spent hanging out in Virginia with some folks at a "Fairy Festival". In order to blend in a bit more, I dug out the old ears. Only to find that few people out there were wearing them. There were plenty of wings though, and I did get compliments on the ears, so all in all I count it as a win.
I admit, I was surprised I managed to get the things to stay on all day. I was half asleep when I put them on, and hadn't put them on by myself before. Hopefully I'll get better, and get more confident with practice.
I decided to skip the wings this time round, it was going to be a hot day and I figured the hot glue might melt again and I'd be shedding leaves faster than an Oak in Autumn......We'll see how warm it is when we head down to the Renaissance Faire in a couple of weeks.
I managed to drag the roomie out as well. I have to admit,I was worried he'd be bored since it's not really his thing. Fortunately, there were some Viking reenactors for him to talk to, he enjoyed that and is even planning on camping with them next year. We'll see how that plays out.
My attempts at making a "Mabon Mask" didn't fare too well. Originally I planned on gluing grape leaves and fake grapes to it, but everything kind of peeled off, so it's back to the drawing board. I guess some projects you win, some you lose.
Old Man out back is sensing the change of the season. He's been dropping some acorns, and some of the older leaves have started falling off. No change in color yet though; he's the sort that waits far in the season to really shed his leaves. Then they are everywhere. The makeshift altar I made from flat stones is still there, but will have to wait till he's finished dropping his acorns, else I'll get beaned with a nice fat one dropped from a branch (or possibly targeted by a squirrel!)
I went, I saw, I helped pull in a large honkin' rock.
This year's Rising saw me returning home a much different Fay. I am a little puzzled at how much involved folks remembering me from last year, and how much of it was me making myself more visible. Or perhaps both; either way, I am proud of myself for not hiding. I didn't overdo things, but I definitely got noticed more than I am used to. I offered to help a couple of people, and helped a couple more who asked for it. I did something I rarely do-- I *GASP*actually talked to people! Yay me!
Here is the rock after being stood up and cemented in. The smaller piece was also added to fill in the gap that was left. Someone decided to call it "The Flame Stone", for obvious reasons, and the name stuck.
I have still to do something with the coloured ribbons, I guess I will stitch them together again like I did the ones from last year, I'll post a pic of that when I get it done.
I am also in the process of trying to come up with a better given name than the one I currently use. Not officially change it, as in driver's licence, etc, but just a new name to go by in day to day life. One of the possibilities is "Kraneia", which is the name of a dryad associated with dogwood (cornus) trees. But I'm still looking.
Next up--Mabon. I have still plans to work on a "Mabon mask", but that will have to wait till after this weekend, after we see if Irma wipes us off the map....
Monday's eclipse had me indoors, watching it on TV. I was really expecting the weather to not cooperate, as it never does. This also gave me time to light some candles, and make a wish or three. Whether or not they will come true, only time till tell.
The next scheduled one will be April 8, 2024.... I'm sort of mixed in emotions about this.
April 8 has never been a good date for me--my mother died on that day. It will be exactly 37 years. Makes me wonder what sort of significance this would have. But that's 7 years away, and even one year is a long time for me. Hell, I rarely know what I'm doing next week.
But to speak of that, packing has begun! The AAA is paid for (my car is old enough to warrant it now), the dues sent in to the site. All I need are some accurate weather reports (cool nights are a given up there, but will it rain?) There is the feeling that no matter how much stuff I bring along, I'm going to be missing something somewhere.... I guess if I forget it I'll go without.... ;)
Around September 23rd is Mabon. So I have in the works a new project: a "Mabon Mask". I have taken an old Halloween eyemask (bought for $2 at the discount store) and painted over it a sparkly silver. I am pressing grape leaves to see what they look like dried; if they do not suit I will use artificial ones. I'll post some photos when I get it more together. Mabon is on a Saturday, so there should be all sorts of stuff to get into.
So the time of Lugh has come and gone. Ours was spent with a small group of Wiccan folks not too far from us. They seemed glad to see Dent and I, although I'm hoping we didn't put anyone off by merely observing the goings-on. I've never been much of a "class participation" sort of fay, preferring to do what passes for worship in private. File that under the whole "not attracting attention to myself" bit, that I've had since I was in school. The idea of not making myself a target is still a strong one with me, and even though I doubt these folks would judge my missteps, old habits die hard.
Plus there was the whole "what do you have to brag about" theme with this particular holiday (as I like to think of it). There hasn't been a whole lot on my part to really brag about. I have spent the past year and a half trying to figure out what things are, and what are supposed to be. What I am supposed to be. While I've gotten a little closer to figuring out what I am wanting, I am no closer to deciding how to get there. And I am rapidly running out of time; the sprout becomes a full fledged adult next May, thus setting me free to fully pursue what it is. Whatever it is.
In a few weeks, I shall making a pilgrimage... I did this last year, and while it was an interesting experience to say the least, I don't see it really helping me any more this time around any more than last year's journey. Just a pleasant last "vacation" before I have to buckle down, so to speak, and be gainfully employed. But you never know....I may meet my Oberon this time round. I can almost see him clearly: tallish and thinnish, with short dark hair (maybe black or salt-and-pepper) hair. With a heart in need of repair just as mine is. I seem to be drawn to those who need me. It hurts that the one I lean towards needs me not, but has his own life and goings-on.
It's difficult when you see signs, but have no clue what they mean. The other day I was preparing veggies to roast and found one of my cherry tomatoes had a "tree" inside. What is this supposed to mean? Does it mean anything? I honestly don't know. I don't know anything much, any more. I'm having to make it up as I go along, most days!
Independence Day came and went, and was surprisingly quiet. There were a few cracks and booms in the surrounding area, but I'm guessing the redneck neighbors up the road didn't have the money to go buy out the fireworks store like they seemed to have done on new year's.
I went out a couple weeks ago after a storm, to snap some snaps of the departing clouds, and found a wee one came to dance in the rain as well.
In a couple of days is Lammas, or "Lughnasadh" as some of the pagan persuasion like to call it. It marks the beginning of the harvest season, specifically of the grainery kind of stuff. Since Tuesday, I have lit a tealight candle for my lantern on the dresser, before bed, in preparation of a "harvest" of my own. The first night it seemed to be working; I was getting communications I wasn't expecting. Since then, however, progress has been mixed as there is some sort of distraction or wavering in the communication. No matter; I will try again this evening.
For those who were keeping up on the other blog, you may remember I attended a shindig up in Pennsylvania last labor day weekend. It it being held again this year, and I suppose I ought to make the pilgrimage again this year. Now that I have some inkling, I can make adjustments to this and that and perhaps travel lighter (sleep in the car, for example, and I'd need neither tent nor sleeping bag). The question remains, however, what I expect to find, and if it will feel different than last year. Or will I still feel like a tiny fish swimming in a large pond. Only time will tell.
I decided yesterday that Old Man needed some sort of decoration. Old Man is my nickname for the huge white oak that overlooks the trailer. I suppose he was asking me for a sort of altar... which will be tricky for two reasons: one, I'm not sure the tree is on our property (the property line is very close to the edge of the back yard), and two, it can't be an obvious altar as it'd be visible to people driving or walking up to the back of the house (not in plain view, but look in the right direction and you see it). I have contented myself with stacking several flat rocks taken from the creek, with a small, almost pyramid-shaped one on top (which is weighting down a crow's feather that I found yesterday while foraging in the woods). It will have to do till my inspiration hits again.
I have met several new animal friends this season. In addition to the turtle, I also met granddaddy black snake. He was down by the power transformer box, and once I got over my startlement, I said, "Hello beautiful!". He flicked his tongue out at me and slithered off into the woods. I've also made the acquaintance of several praying mantises, and a toad or two, and several "millies". And I have been "buzzed" a couple of times by a hummingbird. A whole menagerie!
Summer Solstice came and went. contrary to what you'd expect, it wasn't bright and sunny, but overcast with a chance of rain. This didn't prevent me from dragging myself out of bed at 7 am to head to the local state park to snag some photographs, however.
For a little while, I had the place almost to myself, as the folks who'd already arrived had already made themselves scarce.
The transformation seems to be advancing a bit, although I'm not sure where it is taking me. A few weeks ago I went exploring some options with out of state friends. I keep hearing "do what you do best" and "do what makes you happy". I was pretty happy those couple of days, but I am unsure that is really what I need to be doing at the moment. I'm sure some (or most) of you out there have this conflict: what you want vs. what you need..... Only time will tell if I can reconcile the two.
Part of the problem is I have trouble defining what is "happiness". I know this sounds weird, but there it is--When I felt happy, was it really happiness I felt? Or mere freedom? Or simply being able to feel sensations I haven't felt in a long, long time? Feeling safe? Or merely free? I felt all those things, but does it feel "right"? Feeling "right" is something I also haven't felt in a while, so feeling it now, I'm not sure that's what I am feeling or not. Something else I will have to pay attention to.
At any rate, summer is rolling on a bit. I have spent a fair amount of time at the creek in the woods behind the house. I've skipped stones and talked to the fish. I'm waiting on the jewelweed to start blooming so that maybe I can catch the hummingbirds in the act of taking a drink (think they'll pose for a photograph? Doubtful) The nasturtiums I planted in the large pot at the front of the trailer are now in full bloom.
I've tried planting a wildflower garden again, behind the Japanese maple I rescued from someone's yard (it's the normal sized sort of tree, not the stunted "grafted" variety that only grows to 6 feet...) .So far, the only noticeable flowers have been the marigolds and a few cosmos that are scraggly. Evidently there isn't as much sun as I thought there would be once the surrounding trees grew leaves again (or maybe the aforementioned maple has got too tall as to block the light?)
Summer is also showing the relentless march of time--it is unknown whether or not I will even get to see the little one over the summer as her life is full right now doing those almost-adult things that happen right before they take that final step--There's graduation stuff to take care of, and the learning to drive stuff, and a million other things. The photographs posted by the stepmother of the Florida vacation has her smiling and (I would hope) happy. So I am content. There is (hopefully) Thanksgiving. I may end up having to take a road trip to go see her instead.
Next stop: Independence day. I have no clue what that day will entail. My roommate is off work that week, so it will be a challenge to think of things to do so that we do not get on each other's nerves. Perhaps I will find new places to take photographs of, or the clarity I have been searching for will present itself.
The dreams followed in direct and rapid succession. Sunday evening, I was talking to some girls who looked a bit like ones I had worked with, but different enough that I was suspicious about their intentions. I have seen the "mean girl" attitude often enough that I didn't know what to say. There was a fellow with them, looking a bit confused.
"What about Wayne?" one of the girls asks me. As in "why not?"
Of course, being the doofus I am, and unable to speak in full sentences in real waking life when it comes to meanies, I can't give them much of an answer.
I only know one person named Wayne IRL, and he's happily married, and I don't think this one resembled him, although the face (like with a lot of things in dreams) was hard to make out.
Monday evening's dream involved using a ladder to climb up on the roof of the trailer. Problem was, I'm not sure whose trailer it was--ours has a metal roof, and this one had black shingles. There were all sorts of things on the roof, that weren't supposed to be there--bedside lamps, dolls... I remember picking them up and tossing them off the roof, or kicking things till they fell off. I'm not really sure what that is supposed to mean.
I decided to make myself a little sign so visitors would know if I was home or not--I wanted to write "The Dryad Is In", but I wasn't sure folks nowadays really know what that is, at least around my woods. It will mostly be used for when I'm down at the creek--if I'm truly not home, I like to think people would be smart enough to notice the Kia is gone. ;)
As I stare out the window, I lose track of the raindrops. Beltane is right around the corner; as of this writing it should be clear this weekend. My next test: wander the woods with a larger group than I am used to.
When even the muses are amused, and amusing.................
The shelf fungus makes a nice fairy stair,
don't you think?
While most folks think of Easter as all sunrise services and Jesus, Sunday found the roomie and myself wandering at a local park. I guess in a sense, this is my Church now.
This makes sense on so many levels. No special equipment, no particular building. Just trees and birds and the air Outside.
I am especially at peace by myself. Perhaps I am a solitary? Alone as a tree in a midst of a forest. There is green around me, but I alone am Me.
The letter I wrote Saturday to a friend still sits by the television set. Do I place the stamp and take the risk she is no longer there? Do I send the note, and take the risk she is no longer the person I knew? Do I take that risk, and hope she understands?
The gift was simple at first appearance; a kind of mental-locket. No portrait, just a heart beat. It grew complicated when I realized that I had no idea to whom the pulse belonged; Nor do I understand why it was given to me.
Today's adventure involved my faun ears, and a dogwood wreath for a hat. It stood to reason that the dogwoods were blooming, why should I not, as well?
After some finagling with a Japanese maple, this showed up on the camera.
Somewhere there is a kindred (tree) spirit who looks for me. I'll find you, sooner or later. Stay tuned. Aye, Scratch
Never bring to the Table what you cannot afford to Lose.
Last night's dreaming involved being in a Great Hall. I had the vague impression of looking down from a great height (as from a balcony) and seeing a pile of dishes lying on the floor below. I had the vague notion of going down and washing them, as they were dirty dishes. And someone telling me I didn't have to, because it "wasn't my job". But I felt I wouldn't mind it, besides, they were very nice dishes (I distinctly remember a ceramic water pitcher, it was white and had red and blue flowers, and a blue rim.), and I wanted a closer look at them. Also remember a giant dish, it was long and alabaster looking, with a gold rim (we have a set of china sort of like it, my sister has it in her possession). It's puzzling that I seem to remember colors in these dreams, but I am not sure if I actually "see" the colors, or whether they're just suggested in my mind. Aye, Scratch
Sometimes you must forget who you are. Only then can you remember how to feel.
The past couple of months have seen me wandering a path all my own. I have learned a few things about myself--mostly that whatever direction the journey is supposed to lead, it is up to me to do it--because no one else can do it. This may sound like common sense, but the lesson has been long in coming, and a hard one to swallow. Because I am totally alone in this.
.............The ones I am closest to, I cannot share with. They may accept, but will certainly not understand. The ones I wanted to be closer to, who perhaps WOULD understand, have provided much in the way of "advice", but it is chiefly emotional support I need at present, and no one--no one at all--seems willing or able to assist me, as they're all wrapped up in their own lives. So I'm currently following a path of one.
I have proceeded in laying some groundwork for the future, but only time will tell what will be at the end of it.
For some, tradition and ritual are interchangeable.
I awoke this morning from another odd dream. It lingered enough on my consciousness for me to write down the salient points.
I was apparently to act as proxy for someone during a wedding ceremony. The husband-to-be could not attend--perhaps he was in the military, or was ill, or who knows--he couldn't be there. So I was the stand-in, for some reason I cannot fathom.
It hadn't happened yet; we were in the planning stages. My dress was to be a lacy yellow thing, and the date had been set for November the 1st. I'm not sure what is significant about either the color or the date.
That enigmatic thorn in my side. It is still attached to something. So I traced the stem.... have I found the rose, or the roots?
The past few months I have been questioning myself--who I am, where I am going, what do I need to be? And several weeks ago, I had a dream where a clue presented itself.
I awoke in That Place, to find that my friends had already gone. They had left early, as it turned out. But for those of us who remained, there was a note, and a part of it was addressed to me. There were questions, of which I remember the first three: "Tell every one I have been?" "Dance my dance for me?" "Wear amethyst?"
The 'have been', in this case meaning 'have been (there)'.
Upon reading this, I awoke fully back into this world. What this means, I am still parsing out.
There is a feeling that I am evolving, to become more than I am. What I will become in the coming year will be a journey of discovery, which I hope to share with you.
For those of you who have come from the other blogs I run, this is the "new age" counterpart to the "mundane" one. It is Pagan-oriented (although I am not sure that I am, I'm not discounting anything at this point), so if you are uncomfortable with the idea, it is best you go no further and return from which you came, with my blessings.
For those of you who wish to stay, welcome! And may your self-discoveries mesh with mine that we may continue together. :)